took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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