Apparently you make a good broom.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
