Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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