We won't sleep together?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
