so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
