I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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