My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
