so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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