Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
