my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
