He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
