it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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