so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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