4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
