in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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