I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
