he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
