He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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