Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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