i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
