Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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