His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
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