dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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