He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
