gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Best friends brother. Beat that.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
