all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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