i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
