dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's shark week go big or go home
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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