I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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