my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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