I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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