just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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