Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
