Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
handjob tips. give me some.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
