i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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