wanna go halves on a baby?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
