i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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