I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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