she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
