don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
