I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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