I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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