You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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