I hate your face
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
