i just sent this text using only my big toe
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
