the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
