The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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