My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
