Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
