I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
