just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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