I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
