Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
