I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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